Severus Snape and the Pixy Stix: Not a Rock Band
by TheCheapTickets
Summary: Our dear and charming professor finds a new way to have fun- sort of. This is a hilarious fic with Wite-Out, fire, Pixy Stix, and a surprisingly important SPORK! Ahh the possibilities! R&R No flames please


**_Severus Snape and the Pixy Stix- Not a Rock Band_**

Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter, LOTR, Jack Sparrow, Wite-Out, or any alcoholic beverages. All we own are a few lousy Pixy Stix and a meat cleaver. No Wite-Out bottles were harmed in the writing of this story.

Albus Dumbledore tiptoed into the dungeons giggling like a mischievous little girl. He looked at a shelf of potion ingredients. Laughing, he switched some jars and stole back out of the room. Leaving the Pixy Stix behind.

Severus Snape was having trouble keeping his temper in check.

"Blasted nitwits!" he growled. "I can't stand much more of this." Snape swept over to his cauldron, shoved aside some bottles labeled "poison for Potter", and started a stress-relief potion. "One chopped caterpillar, 26 vials of powdered bicorn horn..." he mumbled. Little did he know that the vials of bicorn powder actually contained pure Pixy Stix sugar.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione slumped tiredly into their seats for the dreaded Potions class. When Professor

Snape entered, however, they noticed he was shaking violently and even smiled a little. "What's gotten into him?" whispered Ron.

"Sir," queried Malfoy, "are you...well?"

"I'm fine, Mr. Malfoy," replied Snape. His voice was a few octaves too high, forcing several Gryffindors to stifle snickers.

Snape sat behind his desk and tried to force himself to stay still but his foot started to wiggle, then his knees shook and before he could stop himself the jitters had started again. Snape downed the rest of the sugar- filled potion in hopes that it would calm his nerves. The class watched an idiotic grin spread slowly across his face. And then Snape started to Riverdance!

By this time nearly half the class had passed out from shock or laughing so much. The others were rolling on the floor and gasping for breath. Suddenly Snape froze.

His eyes darted around from student to student, and he said one word (several times): badger. (_A/N- go to for full details)_ Anyway Professor Snape was going badger badger badger badger badger badger etc. MUSHROOM MUSHROOM badger badger badger...

At this point McGonagall stormed into the room wondering what the heck was going on. Then she spotted Snape.

"Severus!" she yelled, "Get a grip!" He just laughed at her and continued to flap his arms to the badger song. McGonagall went over to him and gingerly tapped him on the shoulder. "Ewwww. I touched him. Okay Mr. I think you need a stiff drink." She offered Snape some Vodka.

"Yucky! I don't like Vodka," the deranged Potion's Master whined. "Did you know," he continued in a frightened half-whisper, "that they use Vodka as cleaning fluid? Totally grodi!"

"Waste of good alcohol," snorted Minerva. Pippin Took pops his head around the corner. "Ale!"  
-Wait a minute-

Jack Sparrow swaggers in and declares, "Rum. Rum is better."

"Ale!"

"Rum!"

"Ale!"

"Rum!"

"AAAALLLLEEEE!"

"RUM!"

"Ale!"

"Tequila

-Hey, who said that?-

evil maniac laughter from off screen Brittney, one of the authors rushes on with a meat cleaver laughing her head off. She chases Jack and Pippin off screen.

-Well, that was interesting. Hope she doesn't kill any of the characters;  
we still need 'em-

Snape took a couple swigs of Vodka (more than a couple actually). By this time our dear professor is hyper on pixy stix and getting drunk. Scary. McGonagall actually had to send a few students to the Hospital Wing to recover from just watching the ordeal.

These kids almost ran into the Headmaster as he walked into the room cackling wickedly. Albus pulled out a small can of hairspray and lifted a lighter. Then he proceeded to use his makeshift flame-thrower to catch the two professors on fire. Now, we all know that Snape's hair is greasier than a McDonald's french-fry so it blazed up like a torch. Literally! Minerva screamed and ran for the door.

"Heyy, l-lay awwff...I-I mean off, Dumplydorf, Snape slurred when he finally stopped squealing. Then Severus lurched drunkenly over to Hermione as she desperately tried to put out the fire.

"Ya know..." Snape mumbled in a bad British accent, "I've got a taatooo...on me bum...its yer name kinda, you wanta see? Is on me bum; me left cheek...I-I can show you..."

"Uhh, no thanks p-professor," squeaked Hermione (more than a little terrified).

Snape turned to the crazy Headmaster. "Do you wanna see Dwimbledwarf? You know, that reminds me of...GIMLI!

"Did somebody call?" Gimli looks around uncertainly "Where's Legolas?"

Legolas fangirl pops up out of nowhere and shrieks, "Oh Legolas, SHOOT  
ME!" Then faints off screen Brittney runs in again with the meat cleaver, pauses to hand Snape a bottle of WiteOut, then joyfully chases Gimli back to his own section of asked Snape as he opened the Wite-Out bottle. "Ooooh, smells like that dead skunk cologne Mummy gave me for my birthday a few years ago. I wonder if it works like cologne? The Potion's Master then proceeded to paint sports stripes down his arms with the Wite-Out. Then he tried to put it in his scorched hair, but it mixed with the grease and created a whitish- gray sludge that trailed behind him wherever he went. (but that's another story) The fumes from the aforementioned Wite-Out however, combined with the Pixy Stix and Vodka made Snape quite batty and temporarily schizophrenic. His two personalities were the crazy, evil, Potions Master everyone knew, and a troubled, neglected, five-year-old Sevvie (in Snape's body).

"I'm hungry," said little Sevvie (in the same voice as the regular Snape but whinier.)

"Then we'll go get something to eat," said the regularly nasty Snape.

"Kitchens!" said the other side of Severus. sigh

"All right, down to the kitchens we go then," said a defeated Snape, skulking down to the kitchens with all the students following behind him/them to see what would happen next.

_In the kitchens-_ "SPORK!" cried both Snape and Sevvie. He/they grabbed it happily, but it turned out to be a portkey. To the Gryffindor girls' dormitory.

The students didn't know this. Hermione thought the whole thing ridiculous, but actually felt a little sorry for the Sevvie side seeing as he had to share a body with that greasy haired git was neglected, troubled, and hungry and had been transported by a portkey spork to who-knows-where.

Snape wasn't feeling all that great; sugar rush: gone; Wite-Out induced high: gone; schizophrenia: gone; drunkenness: still there (though I won't envy his hangover). Snape in his altered state, promptly passed out on a girls bed.

Hours later an exhausted Hermione trudged up the dormitory stairs to her bed. When she was ready for sleep, she collapsed into her four poster...but she wasn't the only one in it! Snape stared at Hermione. Hermione stared at Snape.

Down in the common room, Ron and Harry heard two blood-curdling screams coming from the girls' dorm. What now? Hermione came rushing down the stairs babbling incoherently. The boys could make out only one word from the gibberish: Snape.

"Blimey Harry, she's finally lost it. Barking mad!" said Ron They tried to calm the hysterical girl down. When at last she was complacent enough to string two words together, she told them the problem: "Snape- in my bed! Argh! SNAPE!"

"No wonder she screamed," commented Harry.

Meanwhile- Snape was trying to get out of the girls' dorm undetected which was virtually impossible because he was bent over double, staggering and crashing into everything thanks to his hangover.

Captain Jack Sparrow appears. "No, no, no you are doing it all wrong. Think floaty pirate, like this." Jack demonstrates said "floaty pirate". Brittney charges in brandishing the meat cleaver and smiling evilly. "Didja like the Wite-Out?" At this Snape replied indignantly, "That was not funny Miss..." "Name's Brittney; job is resident psycho. I'm also the co-authoress of this story and I never get tired of torturing characters. Oh, and I've never tasted tequila."

"Certainly bodes well for us. Jack let's run!" Snape hissed. And run they did- Out of the tower window. Brittney jumped out of the window after them.

There were several crashes, a high-pitched scream, and some insane laughter. After that there was silence...cricket...cricket...and THEN-

** CLIFFHANGER!**

-The ending is for you to decide just email us ideas or put them in your  
review and we'll see which idea we like!-NO FLAMES

_And now a word from the authors:_

-I would just like to say that I have been so privileged to work with such  
wonderful peo...umm Britt will you set the cleaver down...arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!-

-Although you may not know it this was all my idea, unfortunately before I  
could get a word in edgewise, Brittney cough stole MY fame CAUGH  
cough!-

-Chasing people with meat cleavers is really fun!-


End file.
